


not that i have an ordered list of people i want touching my asshole what the fuck kind of list would that be

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:07:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23952028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Rose asks Dave for help.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 50
Kudos: 229





	1. Chapter 1

DAVE: man i dont wanna do this  
ROSE: It’s fine, Dave.  
ROSE: You really don’t have to.  
ROSE: It was stupid of me to ask.  
KARKAT: NO! FUCK THAT!  
KARKAT: FUCK THAT LINE OF THINKING, AND FUCK YOU FOR LETTING DAVE THINK YOU’RE THINKING IT!  
DAVE: damn dude  
DAVE: dont say fuck you to rose  
KARKAT: FUCK.  
KARKAT: SORRY ROSE.  
ROSE: No, it’s quite alright.  
ROSE: I may be in a delicate emotional state, but if I withered under the fire of a Vantas “fuck you,” I would have disintegrated and blown away on a light breeze a long time ago.  
KARKAT: SEE, DAVE?  
DAVE: yeah but cmon dude  
DAVE: read the room you know  
KARKAT: HOW BOUT YOU READ THE ROOM, ASSHOLE?  
KARKAT: TAKE A SIP OF YOUR OWN FUCKING ROOM READING MEDICINE!  
DAVE: what the fuck  
KARKAT: *YOU’RE* THE ONE WHO'S FLAT OUT REFUSING TO HELP ROSE IN HER TIME OF NEED!  
KARKAT: HER DARKEST HOUR!  
ROSE: I wouldn't necessarily say this is my darkest-  
DAVE: what the fuck dude im not flat out doin shit  
DAVE: i just said i didnt wanna do it  
DAVE: i didnt really wanna put pants on this morning either  
ROSE: Oh.  
DAVE: but here we all are right  
ROSE: Wow.  
KARKAT: YEAH AND WE’RE BOTH REALLY SUPER FUCKING GRATEFUL FOR THAT, DAVE.  
KARKAT: SO HOW BOUT YOU PULL ANOTHER MAGICAL FLUFF CREATURE OUT OF THE THOSE PANTS AND SEND THIS ONE MEASLY LITTLE MESSAGE?  
DAVE: dude are you sayin i have a rabbit in my pants  
DAVE: that analogy was such a piece of shit  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I MEAN!  
ROSE: Pfff.  
DAVE: yeah well maybe i will send it  
DAVE: i mean youre way oversimplifying shit here  
DAVE: but you know what i dont even care im just gonna do it anyway  
DAVE: (gonna pull a rabbit right outta my pants...)  
DAVE: (gonna send the fuck outta this message...)  
KARKAT: GREAT.  
ROSE: Thank you, Dave.  
DAVE: god fucking dammit  
ROSE: (You have gotten remarkably good at this, Karkat.)  
KARKAT: (AT WHAT?)  
ROSE: (At manipulating Dave.)  
KARKAT: (OH. UM.)  
ROSE: (I’m being serious.)  
ROSE: (I pride myself on my abilities. I always have.)  
ROSE: (But I’ve had years of practice and have accrued an impressive arsenal of firepower to use against him.)  
ROSE: (You on the other hand have achieved quite a lot in a comparatively short amount of time.)  
ROSE: (You’ve really shot straight up the learning curve.)  
KARKAT: (OH YEAH, IT’S SO FUCKING EASY!)  
ROSE: (Heh.)  
DAVE: dude karkat just cuz somebodys whispering in your general direction doesnt mean youre automatically whisperin back at them  
DAVE: you know that right weve talked about this  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: whatever i already sent it  
DAVE: even tho i can totally tell from context rose thinks this proves im your little puppet or whatever  
KARKAT: OH FUCK!  
KARKAT: DAVE, I WOULD NEVER SAY-  
DAVE: yeah yeah i know  
DAVE: you didnt say it i did  
DAVE: its fine youre cool  
KARKAT: OK...  
ROSE: (?)  
KARKAT: (DO YOU NOT KNOW ABOUT THE PUPPETS?)  
DAVE: dude!  
KARKAT: SORRY!  
DAVE: shes texting back just let me concentrate here  
DAVE: this is awkward as fuck enough as it is  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: SORRY.  
ROSE: Yes, sorry.  
ROSE: (I was aware Dave had a fraught relationship with puppets but I never managed a complete analysis.)  
KARKAT: (HE-)  
ROSE: (No!)  
ROSE: (Just nod or something, for god’s sake. Good lord, you really can’t whisper, can you?)  
KARKAT: |8B  
ROSE: (That’s better.)  
ROSE: (Heh.)  
ROSE: (I have to say, this is actually lifting my spirits considerably, so thank you.)  
KARKAT: (8B  
ROSE: (Ha!)  


turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  


TG: yo k whats up  
TG: hows it hangin  
TG: hows my favorite vampire  
TG: eat anybody cool lately  
TG: naw jk  
TG: i know you didnt  
TG: since im the only one who fits that particular bill  
TG: and i got all my blood  
TG: i actually just checked yesterday  
TG: pulled too hard on a hangnail and yep its def all still in there  
TG: little less now but whatever thats fine  
TG: hangnails got nothin on god tier  
GA: Dave  
TG: yeah  
GA: I Will Never Understand Why You Insist On Starting So Many Of Our Conversations By Reminding Me How Full Of Blood You Are  
GA: It Is  
GA: Distracting  
TG: oh cmon kanaya youre not suckin me dry  
TG: im the sole supplier of fresh rhymes on this meteor  
TG: youd be doin a huge disservice to the rap community  
TG: youd never be able to live with yourself  
GA: I Am Reasonably Confident Youd Just Come Back  
GA: Besides I Was Under The Impression You Were Training A Disciple  
TG: what in rap  
GA: Yes  
GA: Presumably He Could Just Take Over  
TG: whoa wait  
TG: what  
TG: did he seriously tell you about that  
GA: Yes Of Course  
TG: ...  
TG: i am having such a hard time believing that  


DAVE: dude  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: uhh  


GA: What Are You Talking About  
GA: Everyone Knows You Rap With The Mayor  
TG: oh right  
GA: It Is Impossible Not To Know About That  
GA: The Two Of You Held A Charity Concert  
GA: How It Was Meant To Be Construed As Being For Charity I Have No Idea  
GA: There Is No Economy Here  
TG: we were raising awareness  
GA: Oh  
GA: Of What  
TG: our dope beats and rhymes thats what  
GA: Of Course  
TG: anyway yeah thats totally what i meant  
TG: i was talkin about the mayor  
TG: mystery solved lets move on  
GA: No  
GA: Wait  
GA: This Suddenly Makes No Sense  
TG: sure it does  
GA: I Am Afraid It Really Doesnt  
GA: Your Disciple  
TG: yeah its the mayor you figured it out kanaya great job  
GA: No  
GA: That Cant Be Right  
GA: Oh My God  
TG: fuck  
GA: Dave  
TG: nope  
GA: Did Karkat  
TG: nope nope nope  
GA: Did You Get Karkat To Rap With You  
TG: dude bros dont rap and tell  
TG: what do you take me for maryam  
TG: i dont know who you been talkin to but i am not that kinda girl  
GA: Please Dave  
GA: Please Tell Me That You Did  
TG: im not allowed  
TG: i might actually die you guys have claws kanaya did you know that  
GA: Dave  
GA: How Do I Hear This  
GA: I Need To Hear This  
TG: oh hey heres a change of subject how are you and rose doin  
GA: ...  
GA: Im Sorry  
GA: What  
TG: you and rose  
TG: youve met rose right  
TG: looks like me but if you replaced all the cool with black lipstick and a thesaurus  
GA: Yes Dave  
GA: I Am Familiar With Rose  
GA: Believe It Or Not My Matesprit And I Have Made Each Others Acquaintance  
TG: yeah well when you put it like that yeah i guess you woulda probably huh  
GA: Yes  
TG: so thats dope  
GA: I Do Consider Our Meeting Each Other To Be Quite Dope Yes  
TG: oh my god  
TG: thats cute as hell  
TG: cut that shit out kanaya im serious im not emotionally equipped to deal with shit this cute  
GA: I Will Cut Out Nothing  
TG: ahahaha  
GA: Might I Ask What Exactly Has Inspired This Bizarre And Fumbling Line Of Questioning  
TG: what a bro cant just text his friend slash sisters girlfriend out of nowhere to check in on the state of their relationship  
TG: i mean yours and roses obviously  
TG: not yours and mine  
TG: our friendships solid as a rock k were the foundation of this meteor  
TG: were the glue holdin this shit together  
GA: Yes I Feel The Same Way Dave  
TG: cool  
GA: Except  
TG: what  
GA: While Its Not That We Dont Make A Habit Of Speaking To One Another  
GA: Your Correspondence Is More Often Than Not Limited To More  
GA: Shall We Say  
GA: Asinine Subjects  
TG: wow holy shit  
TG: kanaya not pullin any punches  
GA: Dave  
GA: Im Looking Back Through Our Chat Log As We Speak  
GA: The Last Time You Reached Out To Me  
GA: It Was To Ask If I Thought Ice Cream Had Feelings  
TG: ahaha oh my god thats right  
GA: And As A Followup  
GA: If The Different Flavors Affected The Intensity Of Said Emotions  
TG: its a valid question im standing by it  
GA: The Time Prior To That  
GA: Lets See  
GA: Ah I Remember This  
GA: I Was In The Ablution Trap And Unable To Answer  
GA: So In Your Presumed Frustration You Sent Me A Very Lengthy Rap  
GA: ...  
GA: About Ice Cream  
TG: look theres a good explanation that was during my ice cream period  
GA: Right  
TG: karkat and i were tryna alchemize some and shit wasnt comin out right  
TG: shit was all melty and runny and im pretty sure not even distantly related to dairy like it had never even heard of a cow  
TG: shit was a travesty  
TG: i had ice cream brain so bad  
TG: if it makes you feel better i was textin everybody about it  
TG: it was a difficult time for me  
GA: I See  
GA: Well Im Sorry You Were Suffering Such Ice Cream Trauma Dave  
TG: thanks  
GA: But That Doesnt Change The Fact That This Current Conversation Is  
GA: Shall We Say  
GA: More Personal In Nature  
GA: This Is Very Unlike You  
GA: Forgive Me Dave  
GA: But This Conversation Smacks Of  
GA: Outside Influence  


DAVE: fuck we misjudged  
DAVE: we forgot this isnt a thing id ever do ever  
KARKAT: THAT’S DEFINITELY TRUE.  
ROSE: Oh my god.  
ROSE: Just blame Karkat.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK  
ROSE: Just tell her he put you up to it.  
ROSE: He’s in touch with his feelings, and he can convince you to do virtually anything.  
DAVE: wow  
ROSE: You have to admit it’s at least reasonably believable.  
KARKAT: IT KIND OF IS, DAVE.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: god fucking dammit  


TG: ok yeah fine  
TG: you got me  
TG: look  
TG: ...  
TG: karkat asked me to do this ok  
TG: i didnt really wanna i told him you and i are good  
TG: i even gave him that whole solid as a rock deal we riffed on a minute ago  
TG: but hes makin me  
TG: dudes got me all “examining my feelings”  
TG: all “expressing empathy”  
TG: shit like that  
TG: shit the “emotionally open” trolls do in his movies  
TG: right before they literally disembowel each other  
TG: he says its just a metaphor  
GA: It Isnt A Metaphor  
GA: Disembowelment Was Exceedingly Common On Our Planet  
TG: yeah thats what i thought  
TG: he and i are gonna have to have words  
TG: kanaya just between you and me i dont think karkat knows what a metaphor is  
GA: Ha  
GA: Im Pretty Sure He Does  
TG: i dont think so kanaya i think he thinks its a kind of fruit  
GA: Well Fruit Notwithstanding  
TG: awesome line  
GA: Thank You  
GA: Fruit Notwithstanding I Think Its Very Nice That Karkat Is Encouraging You To Be More Emotionally Open  
TG: yeah i guess  
TG: were tradin off actually were doin an exchange  
TG: hes doing that  
TG: im teachin him how to not scream so much he literally passes out and bonks his head on the coffee table  
GA: Ha  
TG: laugh all you want its totally gone down  
GA: Oh I Know  
GA: You Forget That I Knew Karkat Long Before You  
TG: oh huh thats right  
TG: guess youre like the mr miyagi of makin sure he steers clear of sharp corners huh  
GA: I Am  
GA: And I Have To Say  
GA: I Think You Have A Real Knack For It  
TG: its not like its hard or anything  
GA: It Most Definitely Is  
GA: Hes Very Fortunate To Have You As A Moirail  
TG: whoa  
TG: no  
TG: we uh  
TG: dont really use that word  
TG: the big m word  
GA: Oh  
TG: or the other m word either the even bigger m word  
GA: Im Sorry  
TG: obviously the bigger m word is manatees  
GA: I  
GA: I Didnt Realize  
TG: naw its cool  
TG: i know you guys had a lot of the same animals  
TG: but sometimes for absolutely no reason at all you didnt  
TG: like just cuz evolution thought itd be funny to throw us a swerve  
TG: its cool if you didnt have manatees  
TG: thats not your fault  
TG: lucky for you im here to clue you in  
TG: manatees were this big fat earth animal  
TG: just like this big squishy balloon of fat that drifted around the ocean  
TG: and sailors were always tryna fuck them for some reason  
GA: ...  
GA: Oh  
TG: yeah  
GA: Um  
GA: Moving On I Guess  
TG: we dont have to i can tell you more about manatees if you want  
GA: No Thats Alright Dave  
GA: I Think Ive Learned Enough About Manatees For Today  
TG: cool just hit me up if you wanna know more  
GA: I Definitely Will  
GA: ...  
TG: ...  
GA: I Think You Wanted To Know How Rose And I Are Getting Along  
TG: oh yeah thats right i definitely did  
TG: so you know  
TG: like  
TG: hows that goin  
GA: I Think It Is Going Exceptionally Well  
GA: Obviously I Cannot Speak To Roses Innermost Thoughts And Feelings On The Situation  
GA: But I Flatter Myself That I Have Become Reasonably Adept At Interpreting Her Bizarre And Sometimes Infuriating Human Tells  
TG: hahaha  
TG: oh my god kanaya  
GA: Oh  
GA: Im Sorry  
GA: Um  
GA: Present Company Excepted Of Course  
TG: what no  
TG: you dont gotta apologize to me  
TG: im the master of bizarre human shit  
TG: i have made it an art seriously just ask karkat  
TG: dude never knows whats goin on with me  
GA: So Ive Gathered  
TG: what  
GA: Nothing  
TG: uh  
GA: Yes So As I Was Saying  
GA: Despite The Wonderful Fact That It Is Sometimes Absolutely Impossible To Figure Out What Shes Getting At  
GA: Compounded By The Just As Fantastic Fact That Whatever She Means Is Apparently Clear As Day To Her  
GA: And I Cant Tell If Its A Failing On My Part Or Just Inevitable Cross Cultural Miscommunication  
GA: But I Can Certainly Tell Which She Attributes It To  
TG: uh  
GA: Rose And I Are Doing Very Well  
GA: Thank You For Asking  
TG: sure  
TG: yeah i mean i think i get that  
TG: like there was a whole week or something where i thought karkat was pissed at me  
TG: turns out it was just i alchemized this new soap that smelled like mint  
TG: trolls cant stand mint  
TG: did you know that  
TG: its like kryptonite  
TG: or maybe just if kryptonite really really smelled like ass  
TG: he started like subconsciously avoiding me  
TG: took us forever to figure that one out  
GA: And Whats More Rose Accuses Me Of Being Just As Inscrutable With My Social Cues Which I Suppose I Cannot Begrudge Her Considering My Own Difficulties But Sometimes I Am Genuinely Unsure How I Could Communicate More Clearly  
GA: Hm  
GA: Sigh  
GA: I Suppose I May As Well Tell You That We Had Just Such A  
GA: Shall We Say  
GA: Misunderstanding  
GA: This Morning  
GA: And I Have Not Seen Her Since  
TG: that sucks  
GA: Yes It Does Suck  
GA: It Is Extremely Fortuitous In Fact That You Chose This Exact Time To Practice Your Empathy Dave  
TG: wow yeah  
GA: Have You Seen Her  
TG: who rose  
GA: No Her Imperial Condescension  
TG: who  
GA: Yes Of Course Rose  
TG: oh uh  
TG: no havent seen her sorry kanaya  
TG: shes prolly somewhere shell turn up  
GA: I Hope So  
TG: yeah you know there was this one time karkat and i had a big fight  
TG: dude stormed off and i freaked out so much i opened a memo  
TG: accidentally communed with the far past and way far future  
TG: still havent even gotten to that one yet thatll be cool i guess  
GA: Really  
TG: yeah really so i wouldnt recommend that course of action  
TG: turns out that was dumb as all hell  
GA: Mmm  
TG: apparently karkat has this whole secret memo past  
TG: but he doesnt want me reading them  
GA: Uh Huh  
TG: i guess theyre all hells of embarrassing  
TG: the way he talks about it its like he was talkin to an ex or something  
TG: except i think he also mostly talked to himself  
GA: I See  
TG: so like  
TG: whoa  
GA: Right  
TG: i know right  
TG: also its not like were even dating or anything  
TG: so theres no reason for me to care about that  
TG: he can talk about his weird skeevy selfcest to his blood pushers content  
TG: i dont care what he gets up to with his bad self  
GA: Auuuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhhhhh  
TG: whoa  
TG: kanaya you ok  
GA: Dave  
TG: yeah  
GA: I Feel The Need To Point Something Out To You  
TG: uh  
TG: ok cool  
TG: what  
GA: You Have Clearly Been Charged With Helping Rose And Me In Some Way Here  
GA: An Attempt I Suppose I Appreciate  
GA: Even If It Was Made Under Duress  
GA: However  
GA: I Cant Help But Notice That Every Single Time It Has Been Your Turn To Speak  
GA: And Sometimes When It Has Not  
TG: um  
GA: You Have Steered The Conversation Directly Back Toward Karkat  
TG: what no i havent  
GA: Yes You Most Definitely Have  
GA: You Have Taken This Conversation That Was Meant To Be About Rose And Me And Twisted It Around Again And Again To Be About You And Karkat  
GA: You And Karkat Who Are  
GA: Need I Remind You  
GA: Not Even In A Matespritship  
GA: Or A Manateeship  
GA: Or Whatever Ridiculous Bullshit You Called It On Earth  
TG: wow you definitely latched onto the wrong part of that whole manatee thing  
GA: Arrrrrggggghhhhh  
GA: You Are Not The Only Ones On This Meteor Dave  
GA: The Drama Here Is Not Restricted To Your Admittedly Adorable Pam And Jim Case Of Will They Wont They  
TG: ok i know youre upset kanaya  
TG: and im sorry  
TG: i wanna help and i will in a sec  
TG: but can i please just say i cant believe you guys had the office  
TG: karkat told me a while ago and i couldnt fuckin believe it  
GA: Auuughhh!  
GA: Dave  
GA: Might I Invite You  
GA: Cordially  
GA: To Get Your Shit Together  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


TG: what the fuck  


ROSE: Well?  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: there is a small chance i might have fucked that up  
ROSE: Why? What happened?  
ROSE: What did she say?  
ROSE: Let me see.  
DAVE: whoa no we dont gotta be doin that  
DAVE: she just really clearly knew something was up is all  
DAVE: not definitely but probably due to the fact that this was the stupidest fucking plan ever  
DAVE: and i managed to fuck it up even more  
ROSE: !!!!  
DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: look rose  
DAVE: i think maybe you guys should just  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: talk to each other  
DAVE: about whatever this shit is honestly i was never even sure to begin with maybe that was part of the problem  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DAVE!  
KARKAT: THAT IS *NOT* WHAT WE SENT YOU IN FOR!  
KARKAT: SOME FUCKING “TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS” BULLSHIT!  
ROSE: I have to agree, Dave.  
ROSE: I could have gotten advice of that caliber anywhere.  
KARKAT: SHE COULD HAVE GOTTEN IT ANYWHERE, DAVE!  
DAVE: yeah well sorry  
DAVE: i couldnt really get anything out of her  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: i dont think im really good at this at all rose  
DAVE: i think i might actually suck at it really hard  
ROSE: Oh come on, it can’t have been that bad.  
DAVE: uh yeah it kinda was  
ROSE: Well I have to say, this is very disappointing.  
ROSE: Karkat, do you want to give it a try?  
DAVE: whoa no no way  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE?  
KARKAT: I CAN TRY.  
DAVE: no thats ok  
DAVE: look  
DAVE: something tells me kanaya doesnt really wanna hear from either of us right now  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: sorry rose i really think you gotta do this one on your own  
ROSE: Ugh.  
ROSE: Fine.  
ROSE: Karkat, thank you so much for your support.  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: SURE  
KARKAT: BYE  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OK SO WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED?  
DAVE: what do you mean kanaya got wise to our dumb game i mean honestly how could she not  
DAVE: she shot me down hard now she and rose are both pissed at me  
DAVE: end of story  
DAVE: you dont gotta worry man  
DAVE: you didnt do shit and somehow i think they both like you MORE now youre golden  
KARKAT: WHAT? NO. SOMETHING HAPPENED. I CAN TELL.  
DAVE: (yeah i bet)  
KARKAT: COME ON, WHAT WAS IT??  
DAVE: it was nothing man ok  
KARKAT: NO, YOU *JUST* SAID IT WAS SOMETHING!  
KARKAT: DON’T TELL ME I HAVE TO TEACH *YOU* ABOUT WHISPERING NOW!  
KARKAT: IT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK IF THE OTHER PERSON’S RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING FACE!  
DAVE: heh  
KARKAT: I’M SERIOUS, DAVE. ARE YOU OK?  
DAVE: yeah man im cool  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T SEEM COOL.  
KARKAT: COME ON TALK TO ME.  
KARKAT: WHAT DID KANAYA SAY TO YOU?  
DAVE: look its like i told you  
DAVE: she just  
DAVE: really kinda laid into me for tryna get her to talk about rose  
DAVE: said its not any of my business  
DAVE: who do i think i am  
DAVE: just cuz ive seen the love guru more times than mike myers has had hot meals doesnt mean i actually got a license in couples therapy  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: KANAYA SAID THAT TO YOU.  
DAVE: yeah i know weird right  
DAVE: i was surprised too  
KARKAT: ...OK.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: SIGH  
KARKAT: DO YOU THINK THEY’RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT?  
DAVE: what yeah theyre fine  
DAVE: theyre just havin some weird fight  
DAVE: everybody has weird fights  
DAVE: honestly im not even sure its much of a fight  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: why would rose come to us for that shes never done that before  
DAVE: did you kinda get the sense she just wanted to hang out with us more than anything  
KARKAT: YEAH  
KARKAT: I KINDA DID.  
DAVE: welp that bombed guess we blew that too  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: MAYBE WE SHOULD LIKE...  
KARKAT: DO MORE STUFF WITH THEM?  
KARKAT: INVITE THEM OVER TO OUR RESPITE-  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: INVITE THEM OVER.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: yeah thats a good idea karkat we should totally do that  
DAVE: just have like a huge gay slumber party in their honor  
DAVE: no relationship problems can withstand that theres nothin that wont fix  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE OK, DAVE?  
DAVE: yeah im so cool  
DAVE: i just  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: look honestly that conversation kind of fucked me up  
DAVE: just gettin all ripped a new asshole by kanaya  
DAVE: girls got a chainsaw on her person at all times  
DAVE: she is not anybody i want anywhere near my asshole ok she is way down on the list  
DAVE: not that i have a list  
DAVE: like an ordered list  
DAVE: of like  
DAVE: people i want touching my asshole  
DAVE: what the fuck kind of list would that be  
KARKAT: UHHH  
DAVE: look all im tryna say is  
DAVE: could we just like  
DAVE: drop this maybe  
DAVE: rose and kanaya dont need us messin around with their shit  
DAVE: and we dont need them in ours  
KARKAT: WERE THEY IN OUR-  
DAVE: karkat could we just forget it  
KARKAT: UM.  
DAVE: please  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: just curl up and watch some dumb movie til we pass out  
DAVE: thats soundin real fuckin nice to me right about now ok  
DAVE: thats pretty much all i wanna do  
KARKAT: OH  
KARKAT: ...YEAH  
KARKAT: WE CAN DO THAT.  
DAVE: cool  
DAVE: thanks man  
KARKAT: YEAH DAVE.  
KARKAT: OF COURSE.  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is my 50th work, and it’s a sad one. So to celebrate/cope, here’s a bonus rap about ice cream.

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  


TG: yo kanaya  
TG: get ready  
TG: karkat and i are on the verge of a choice discovery  
TG: were like gene wilder and marty feldman up in here  
TG: karkats marty feldman  
TG: dont tell him  
TG: i mean honestly its a real honor he should be pumped marty feldman was the shit in that movie  
TG: but igor was the assistant and dudes still got hella leadership complex issues  
TG: whatever ill be igor i dont give a shit  
TG: get me all up in that abby normal brain  
TG: were not actually raisin the dead over here  
TG: just to be clear  
TG: were doin somethin way better  
TG: way more crucial to the advancement of post earth/alternia science  
TG: were making ice cream  
TG: oh hell yeah  
TG: i can tell by the way youre ignoring me that youre all jazzed out of your elegant but still weirdly intimidating horns about this one  
TG: yeah i know you k  
TG: i got you pegged  
TG: youre all about that lactation refrigeration  
TG: that killer creamation  
TG: no im not talking burnin bodies  
TG: tho my fires are a danger  
TG: im talkin frozen dairy  
TG: get ol bessie out the manger  
TG: she was chillin with the old god  
TG: now shes illin with a new squad  
TG: still need her to chill tho  
TG: turn that temperature down low  
TG: welcome to the ice age  
TG: everybodys lovin ray romano  
TG: rays keepin all the ages frosty  
TG: back that woolly mammoth ass up  
TG: hook up to those udders  
TG: ...  
TG: oh my god  
TG: wait  
TG: i just realized i kinda implied i want to milk ray romano  
TG: sweet jesus  
TG: this is  
TG: oh no  
TG: this is not the direction i wanted this to take  
TG: eugh  
TG: maybe...  
TG: nope i cant salvage this  
TG: this ones a wash  
TG: you cant win em all kanaya  
TG: sometimes youre accidentally gonna let slip that some part of your subconscious apparently wants to suckle from the teat of that beloved cgi mastodon voiced by a sitcom treasure of the late 90s and early 2000s  
TG: and at those times you just gotta move on with your life  
TG: just gotta let it go  
TG: you cant get too hung up shit like that kanaya  
TG: that way lies madness  
TG: yep  
TG: oh thank fuck karkats havin trouble with the alchemiter  
TG: shits goin all haywire  
TG: dude doesnt know what the fuck hes doin hes such a classic igor  
TG: im gonna go help him  
TG: swoop in real quick and save the day  
TG: gene wilder it up  
TG: bye  
GA: Dave  
GA: I Was In The Ablution Trap  
GA: So I Was Unable To Respond To Your Messages  
GA: However You Might Be Interested To Know That My Palm Husk Was On The Sink Just Beyond My Reach  
GA: And I Received A Notification  
GA: With  
GA: Every  
GA: Single  
GA: Line  
GA: You  
GA: Sent  
GA: Me  
GA: In The Future It Might Be More Prudent To Consolidate Your Slam Poetry Into Single Long Messages  
GA: And Dispatch Them All At Once  
GA: Or Will That Inhibit The Improvisational Element  
GA: The Freestyle As It Were  
GA: It Would Be A Shame To Lose All Of That Beautiful Ray Romano Imagery  
GA: By The Way  
GA: Am I To Understand That On Your Planet Ray Romano Was Not A Human  
GA: But Some Kind Of  
GA: Cold Woolly Cow Creature?  
GA: ...  
GA: Dave Are You There  
GA: Are You Getting Notifications With Every Message I Send  
GA: Does  
GA: Your  
GA: Human  
GA: Palm  
GA: Husk  
GA: Work  
GA: That  
GA: Way  


turntechGodhead's [TG's] phone has been submerged in ice cream.  


GA: Oh My God  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave's been rapping a lot with Equius in the dream bubbles, and it's started rubbing off on him in a _weird_ way.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fabled second ice cream conversation.

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  


TG: do you think ice cream has feelings  
GA: Im Sorry  
TG: naw its cool kanaya you dont gotta apologize  
TG: its chill if you dont have an answer this is more a hypothetical type deal  
TG: dont get down on yourself  
GA: Oh My God  
GA: Dave  
GA: I Am Not Apologizing To You  
TG: oh  
GA: That “Im Sorry” Was More Of A Statement Of Incredulity  
GA: A What The Fuck If You Will  
TG: haha hell yeah i think i will  
GA: Great  
GA: And While Youre In The Spirit Of Doing Things Dave  
GA: Would You Care To Explain To Me What You Could Possibly Be Talking About  
TG: nothing really im just killin time  
TG: karkats tryna get the alchemiter to work and ive been officially banned  
TG: im sittin outside in the hallway  
TG: thing is tho now that im in exile he doesnt have anybody actually sentient to bitch at  
TG: but thats not stoppin him dudes still goin ham  
TG: so now hes just takin it out on the ice cream itself  
TG: hence my actually hella apt line of questioning  
GA: You Want To Know If Karkat Could Be Hurting This Ice Creams Feelings  
GA: By Yelling At It  
TG: pretty much yeah  
GA: Hm  
TG: i mean i know he cant actually  
TG: just for the record im not legitimately empathizing with ice cream over here  
TG: im not actually high off my ass or anything  
TG: despite how my opening salvo may kinda lead to you to believe that is precisely whats goin down  
TG: yo k do you think ice cream has feelings hits blunt  
TG: hits blunt again just for good measure  
TG: if theres one thing you gotta do with a blunt its hit it  
TG: hit it like an actin up xerox machine  
TG: yes sirree  
TG: naw im just kiddin i dont do drugs i have no clue what goes into it  
TG: i have never smoked the marijuana like a cigarette  
TG: im literally over here just gettin high on the sounds of karkat verbally tearin this ice cream a new asshole  
TG: HOW IN THE NAME OF GODS GREEN *FUCK* CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND FREEZING  
TG: ITS NOT A THING YOU CAN EVEN LEARN  
TG: ITS A MOTHERFUCKING LAW OF PHYSICS  
TG: IVE ASKED DAVE AND EVEN HIS DOGSHIT UNIVERSE HAD IT  
TG: SO I KNOW ITS SOME BASIC ASS SHIT  
TG: HOW IN THE TAINT SLOBBERING FUMBLE DICK *FUCK* ARE YOU NOT GETTING IT????  
GA: Hahahaha  
TG: thats more or less a direct quote  
TG: hes kinda wheezing at this point its hard to catch all the words  
TG: but you get the idea  
GA: I Do  
GA: Is He Alright  
TG: oh yeah hes fine  
TG: he hasnt had a choice blowup like this in forever  
TG: i think its good for him to get it outta his system every now and then  
TG: flush the pipes you know  
GA: Yes That Is Probably For The Best  
GA: Especially If You Can Manage To Divert The Tirade Toward An Inanimate Object  
GA: And Spare Yourself  
TG: i guess  
TG: except im so used to it  
TG: that shit just rolls off me like a greased up duck  
GA: Is That A Common Earth Simile  
TG: yeah so common  
TG: so yeah swingin back around to the main subject of the conversation  
TG: maybe its actually hella irresponsible of me to be leavin this ice cream all alone with him in there  
TG: you get brought into existence  
TG: bam very first thing you witness is some furious dude railin at you for not bein cold enough  
TG: thats a rough way to come into the world kanaya  
GA: Yes I Believe It Would Be  
GA: If Ice Cream Had Feelings  
GA: Which  
GA: To Very Belatedly Engage With Said Subject  
GA: Im Pretty Sure It Doesnt  
TG: thank you so much for engaging kanaya that means a lot  
TG: but as a counter argument to your highly sound logic  
TG: holy shit what if it does  
TG: i mean were tryna make butter pecan its delicious but its clearly also the weeniest bitchiest of all the flavors  
TG: you just know its the flavor on the playground that didnt wanna play kickball  
TG: all oh no ill just sit under this tree and read about unicorns or whatever  
TG: make some fuckin flower chains  
TG: chocolate and mint chip and even fuckin rainbow sherbet could kick its ass any day of the week  
TG: but they dont cuz even they know  
TG: they know that is one sensitive little flavor right here  
TG: there are def gonna be tears  
GA: I Cant Believe Youre Trying For Butter Pecan  
TG: what no butter pecans the shit  
TG: its a total classic dweeb right now but its totally gonna blossom later in life kanaya we def have a young mark zuckerberg or andy warhol on our hands make no mistake  
GA: No Dave  
GA: I Actually Wasnt Musing On Whether Ice Cream Flavors Had Personalities And Varying Levels Of Emotional Intensity  
GA: I Was Referring To The Fact That Butter Pecan Seems Like Quite A Complicated Flavor To Master  
TG: oh  
GA: The Nuts Alone Probably Throw A Serious Metallic Turning Device Into The Works With Their Heterogeneous Texture  
TG: oh my god  
TG: shit kanaya  
TG: i think you might be onto somethin here  
TG: damn i was just tryna shoot the shit hardcore but those gears never stopped turnin huh  
GA: They Did Not  
TG: you got your head in the game 24/7  
GA: I Most Certainly Do  
TG: wow  
TG: ok in that case im gonna go hit karkat with this hot newfound slice of intel  
TG: gonna wade into the fray  
TG: worst case scenario it doesnt do shit but i at least saved that poor melty ice cream more psychological damage at a delicate time in its development  
TG: honestly karkat should know better  
TG: just between you and me i got strong suspicions he was a butter pecan himself as a kid  
GA: Oh I Knew Him Growing Up And I Can Assure You  
GA: He Was A Total Butter Pecan  
TG: ahahaha  
TG: i fuckin called it  
TG: ok im gonna bounce  
TG: ill keep you posted  
GA: Goodbye Dave  
GA: And Good Luck  
TG: thanks  
TG: bye  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  



End file.
